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Doing It For Me

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I think I have pressure-washed all the mold – that is, the broken Internet links, mostly arising from Google failures that I’d neglected to correct – from what for me is one of aftermath‘s central control panels: bg check. Much more remains to be done to make that control panel more effective for me, but all the rest of that can be seen as improving and adding, versus the clean-up I’ve been doing the past several days.

As I observed in Pressured, Virtually, clearing up these broken links and dead zones at aftermath is something I am doing for me. To make aftermath the tool it was originally and always meant to be, a mechanism for helping me do the things I need and want to do. Sure, I think it leaves a bad impression on a customer or visitor when a website carries broken links indefinitely without clearing up its mold, but keeping clean links for customers and visitors is a concern for a website that has as its purpose the transaction of business or the communication of content to someone other than the one who establishes and maintains the website. In my case, making this weblog public is something that I do for my own convenience, mainly because it is more difficult for me to access this weblog on all of the devices I use when I overload everything with passwords, very much the same way that my accessibility to my workplace’s data is understandably very tightly restricted against use on all but a select pieces of equipment. So I find it easier – in some instances, only possible – to effectively make full use of the information I place here on all my equipment unless I allow most of that information to be stored and distributed on a public basis.

Which doesn’t mean that I post aftermath for anyone else to read or respond or object to. I accept responsibility for my public words; I wish to distinguish my “just-for-me” stance from those who write blogs claiming to be only for themselves and disclaiming any care for what anyone else thinks of what they write, then proceed to write hateful destructive things clearly meant to hurt others without taking responsibility for their wrong. Saying or doing anything at all just for one’s own self, whether public or private, gives no cause – no matter what one’s belief nor how absolute one’s convictions – for being so selfish as to use one’s own needs and desires as cause to harm one another. One who says they’re in their own car and are going to drive as they please, who then gets drop-dead drunk and weaves down the road through traffic lights at excessive speed with no thought of the public road they share with other drivers, they are irresponsible, criminally so. But accepting the responsibility against using my self-contained purposes to justify harming anyone doesn’t mean that I write what I write here in the interest of pleasing anyone, rather merely that I take care to make sure that I not use my control over my own words to inflict any intentional harm against anyone.

I’ve been insulted as caring too much about what other people think of me. Openly implying that I do what I do based on whether I think I will be accepted by others, ironically by the very ones who are so quick to stand up as the authorities on acceptance. Which quite clearly shows such ridicule to have come from those who don’t know me at all: more than just about anybody I have ever known, I have consistly been the one to confidently act and speak against the grain of what anyone and sometimes everyone might think of me, not just to be odd or rebellious, but because I make all my choices without looking over my shoulder at what anybody else might say or think of me. Again, not disengaging myself from my responsiblity to be aware that my words and actions not intentionally inflict harm against another, but without putting on any masks to make myself look like someone I’m not.

So when I clear out the mold of broken Internet links from my weblog category control board, I am doing so completely and purely for one reason, and one reason only: I use that control board every single time I compose or recall anything I have here, and it simply doesn’t work right for me when so many of its links are as moldy as I had let them get. I know, once in a blue moon someone might stray onto that page, since I’ve made it public so I can easily get to it from anything from iPod all the way up to library PC, so I’m responsible enough to refrain from using my own private uses and my freedom of speech to perpetuate anything on that page that I would know I have chosen with intention to harm; but past that, I don’t fix my broken links so it might “look nice” or make any other favorable impressions on anybody. I fix the broken links so that the fixed ones will work for me the way I need them to, period.

Today I spent time de-cluttering Daystand and Nightstand. I would have done so anyway, even if we hadn’t been expecting Tim & Shelby & Kya & Griff to stop in for picking up Rosemary after her week with us. In fact, it turns out that they didn’t come by today, and we’ll be keeping Rosemary a few more days, and still I don’t see the de-cluttering chore as a waste of time or as something I could have put off a few more days. Susan and I shared out thoughts on this as she worked beside me cleaning up much of the house, and I feel that she and I are on the exactly identical wavelength on this one. Quite seriously, she didn’t get so heavily into cleaning up things from the crack of dawn because of the expectation of guests; rather, what ignited her cleaning fervor was the desire to make us some sangria. (I don’t need to explain that one; she and I both get it.) So yes, it’s nice for our guests to walk into our home without getting hit in the face with mess and dust and all, but that’s not the main reason she and I clean up around here. We do it for us. Because we live here, and this is how we want the place we live in to be. Likewise, my Daystand and Nightstand. I stay so active that I find it impossible to keep them tidy minute by minute without pouring more time into tidying than I pour into actually getting anything done — like, spend more effort cleaning the place in which you live than you spend living in it, and you’re missing the point. But when I take time off from my other activities so I can de-clutter, I am doing so because the place has become too bad for me to be effective at what I am doing. If my guests see it tidy, fine, but I don’t do it for them, just as I don’t continuously de-clutter every single minute out of fear of what others might think of me if they spy the place in a cluttered state.

Even this post. I write it for me, to help me frame my own thoughts and act on what I feel. I don’t feel I have to explain myself to anyone or defend myself against anyone’s rejection. If I’ve said this or anything else here out loud, it’s only like speaking out loud to myself. Said out loud, I know it might be heard by anyone else passing through the room I’m in, and I take all responsibility for my words, but I say this for myself. I’m doing it for me.

bumper sticker [] - adrien

Written by macheide

20 July 2014 at 4:29 pm

Posted in Adrien

Tagged with , ,


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