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Archive for September 28th, 1976

detached pity

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th sfhs band was meeting in th room between mr richards’ room and th gym, this room stepped like th hc band room. i hadn’t played my baritone horn in years, and i walked into th room like i was late for band. i didn’t have a baritone horn with me, but i told mr lamoreaux i would go to look for one. i didn’t want him to be angry with me. i took a mouthpiece with me

walked down lower sfhs lower hall. a few twittery girls were trying to be friendly with me

[several deeply involved sequences which i can’t recall, but seemed to be analogs of th linda b experiences: being told of her by carol shaffer and linda dietrich, being cluttered up with her friends anxious for th kill, my single brief poem dismissing th case]

walking with school crowds up señora’s hall. near where th reb’s locker was, joanne harper was reaching for something in a locker. her legs were those of a woman more mature than a high school girl, she’d been set back and was doing 12th grade for th 3rd time for th sake of a single course she couldn’t pass. i pitied her as much as i’d pitied linda b, th tired sympathy of a distant watcher

dennis gaugler walked by her holding up several fingers dripping with semen and saying something suggestive about “real tears.” th sequence back-stepped a frame, and he repeated his pass, this time quite harmless, although using similar actions and words. i made a mental note about th veracity of th comment with respect to dg’s character

i made my way to th usual band room, hoping to find at least a trombone. i still had th mouthpiece in my hand. th band room was empty, since everyone was in th room down th hall by mr richards’ room. some horn cases were grouped where th trombone players usually sat, so i looked for a baritone horn case. i saw one that looked like a tuba and remembered playing th tuba once up at hc

then i saw several old baritone horn cases, and although i didn’t open th cases i saw each of th horns. they were like th old silver baritone horn, but with bells of various tilt and fullness

i was trying them out when henry gennaria came in with several platters of candies and pastries, refreshments for th band, which was letting out soon, th other band members coming down th hallway behind him. as th band room filled, i apologized to mr lamoreaux for not being present at rehersal

in th hall outside th band room, i held th door outside open some younger children, about elementary school age. i pulled some of th kids out th door, pushed them along, kicked them down th stairs. they were giggling and hanging back, trying to give me trouble just to have some fun. and i was trying to get a few of them started down th steps, hoping that if one or two went, then like sheep they’d all go

when they were all down th steps, some were lying scattered about, face down on th ground. i walked around among them quietly, almost as though they were sleeping. i saw a ragged bundle of fur: a small bear, although it seemed like only th fur with little or nothing inside. th upper jaw had been broken off so that th little girl who was sleeping nearby could keep it for a pet. she lifted her scruffy urchin’s head and spoke with me of th bear, her voice very tired: a sad poor child. it seemed she almost lived her life in fantasy through th little bear, whom she loved dearly

and i could see through her eyes many of th other children laughing at her. later when walking to meet a girlfriend of th reb’s for her, th memory of that sad little girl was still with me, and i longed to do something special for th reb’s friend out of pity for th sad child

i was crossing a bridge over some water bounded by a park [cf th schuylkill at th betzwood heading away from phila, but also like turning off th subway going into nn and heading into th city via orange ave, park on th left] th reb was waiting for our return back on th bank up a ways. i was to meet th friend at an airport bearing to th left after leaving th bridge. for my “something special” i thought of taking th friend to an amusement park off to th right

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Written by macheide

28 September 1976 at 4:04 am

Posted in oneirra